He Said He Was Fine: How His Mental Health Became Our Journey

Do you ever just KNOW someone close to you isn’t “fine?” They are moody, irritated, tired, stressed, and making questionable lifestyle choices. You ask them almost every day and always get the same response. “I’m okay.” 

You are torn between trying to force ANY form of meaningful communication out of them because you’re worried, and giving them the space they want to not talk about it. 

Maybe they actually are okay today? Maybe they don’t fully understand how they feel and don’t know how to express it? Or maybe, they are ashamed of how they feel and don’t want to tell you. 

So, you wait. You aren’t going anywhere and you make sure they know that. 

This is one woman’s story of how her husband’s mental health struggle became their journey. Together. 

Supporting someone who is struggling mentally (when you’re also struggling yourself) can feel like an uphill battle, especially when the person isn’t ready to get help. There is a seemingly unrelenting stigma around men’s mental health. “Be strong.” “Don’t cry.” “You’re fine, man up.” But what happens when a man is struggling and these impeding statements play repeatedly in his head? 

What happens is he chooses to stay silent, he doesn’t get help, and uses unhealthy coping strategies (alcohol) to get through the hard days. 

The unhealthy coping strategies become so bad, that the ones who love him have no choice but to step in. Waiting is no longer an option. It takes a tremendous amount of encouragement, patience, difficult conversations, tough love (and many arguments) to help someone see they need help. In fact, it took years. 

His mental health struggles quickly become your journey too. You let him know he isn’t going to have to do it alone. You try to show him that other men are facing similar struggles, and that it’s OKAY to need help (You didn’t know about MAAD at the time. Shit). And you let him know you are ready to listen when he is ready to talk about it. That was the key to him making the decision to get help. Giving him space to process, but also being willing to jump to action when it became a necessity. And doing all of this without judgment. Becoming a safe space for him. 

 So first step, LISTEN. When he is ready to talk, create a space where he feels safe to tell you all the bad shit. All the shit he might just now be figuring out. You don’t immediately have to try and “fix” everything. But if he gives you the okay, you can start trying to find him help (he has to be willing). He may not know where to start, so this is where you can step in. 

So, you help him find a mental health professional that can diagnose and treat what you KNOW is ADHD (because you also have ADHD and are a mental health therapist). It takes him 3 tries before he finds a therapist he likes and is willing to talk to. But he keeps trying. Ultimately, therapy wasn’t for him, but it got him through the initial steps of getting the help he needed. This is an important reminder for all of us seeking help for the first time: You might not like your very first (or third) therapist. You might actually hate therapy. That is OKAY. You gave it a shot. That’s a win. 

With the help of his third therapist, he gets diagnosed and medicated for ADHD. It takes several med changes (five?) before he finds one that helps. But we’re finally on the right track. Getting a diagnosis was an incredible relief for both of us. For him, it was a “holy shit” moment. Everything started to make sense. The things he had been feeling and struggling with since he was a kid finally had some sort of explanation. For you, this feels like a MASSIVE weight has been lifted off your shoulders (there is a lot of guilt that comes with trying to help someone for so long and not being able to). There is finally light at the end of his tunnel, and you get to walk to it with him. 

Now comes another hard part. How does he break the unhealthy habits that he used for YEARS to cope with his mental health? The truth is, that also took years. And as his partner, that was a difficult thing to endure. Watching him make so many positive steps to feeling better (therapy, meds), while also watching him stagnate in areas that are also affecting YOUR wellbeing is extremely hard. But you love him, you know him, so you keep moving forward with him because you truly believe he will succeed in living a healthy, happy life. And he is now. You both are. 

This part is important: Supporting someone through this can mean going through some incredibly hard, emotional shit yourself, which is why taking care of yourself in the process matters too. Is it worth it? Absolutely. Will it take awhile? Probably. Is it even possible? YES!! In our case, it was possible. 

Something I always wished for him was that he didn’t feel like he needed to wait so long to get help. He just struggled through it. He didn’t know any men who were going through something similar, so he felt like he didn’t have anyone he could relate to or talk to. Turns out, MANY of his friends were going through similar things and started talking about it once HE did. They all just needed someone to say it first. 

His journey was one of the main reasons I started Mental. But Not Alone. He should have never had to suffer in silence, and I want others to know they aren’t alone either. Sharing people’s mental health stories is a way for others to connect with those who are living with similar experiences. It softens the mental health stigma, making it more “socially acceptable” to say, “I’m fucking mental and need help too.” 

And this is why I’m so grateful for MAAD for showing men that they aren’t alone, and having honest conversations about mental health. I wholeheartedly believe that talking openly about the messy, difficult, and scary parts of mental health is what saves lives and connects so many people who are waiting to feel seen and understood. 

By Jessica Walton
Founder of Mental. But Not Alone
www.mentalbutnotalone.com